there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
