god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
