and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
