I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
