Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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