even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
