Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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