then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
