Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
