do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
