Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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