Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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