either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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