Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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