I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
