So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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