i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
