"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
