this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
