Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
