Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
