I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
