Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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