$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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