so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
