The brown eye won't let me do that either.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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