so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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