Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
