She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
