Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
