I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
