A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
