Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
