Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
