Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think i got beer on your cat.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
