I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
