look no pants
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
