seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
