someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
