last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
