i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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