I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
