What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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