Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
