do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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