I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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