I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
