im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
