the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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