We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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