My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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