I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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