i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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