I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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