in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Your penis caused this!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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