This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
