Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
