Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
