I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
