just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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