The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
