It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
