I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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