my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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