i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
